Wishing

I'm beginning to wish that I had created an anonymous blog. I'd really like to say some things that could be detrimental and deleterious for a variety of reasons. That's all.

She's Come Undone

Those perfect bows, tied on every dress and skirt. In her wavy locks and around her dainty wrist. Pulled slowly, gently apart... becoming and unbecoming, realizing and existing as something they were, but something they were not.

When you reach that place where you know exactly what it is that you would rather be doing with your life than what you are doing in this very moment, you know it's time to rest...

J'ai etudie le francais... and I need some time. To think about other things.

About how it feels to have things unraveling between your fingers. Just when you think you have a hold on life.  It's like sand - solid, but so fine that holding onto it is practically impossible. It takes just the right balance of everything to make it happen.
If I were to ask you if you knew the feeling I meant when you realize that you have feelings for someone, but didn't know it until it was too late, and then when you interact with them and they say things that are just so... ambiguous and vague... that you can't help but wonder if it means something more, but ONLY because you just now started paying attention, would you know what I meant?

...And then you start questioning yourself; maybe if I had realized sooner things would be different, maybe they had feelings for me too and I'm too late...

Women think too much. That's me, a woman, that thinks waaaaayyy too much. Especially right now.

I also feel like some teeny-bopper (yes, I did just say teeny-bopper) complaining about boy problems and not sucking it up and dealing with it. But what am I supposed to do? When you are on the verge of exhaustion hoping that everything will just work itself out, wishing that damn guy would just like you back, hoping that he notices and cares about you like you notice and care about him. Geez, this sucks.

I just want to let it all go and take a breath. But at the same time I have this feeling in my stomach and just about everywhere else that this ONE person could make everything more worthwhile... DANG.

SUMMER in t-minus 14 hours. Maybe it will provide some well-needed space and time to think, or rather, to not think.

"...I thought about how love was always the thing that did that - smashed into you, left you raw. The deeper you loved, the deeper it hurt."

These Days...

I'm sensing a pattern. In everything - my behaviors, interests, likes, dislikes - I am a very predictable person. I don't know if I wish it were different or not, but it is the way it is. We've come upon finals week and like clockwork, I am doing ANYTHING I can to procrastinate or really to not study. I would normally consider myself a driven and goal-oriented person, I do well in school, but hell - who WANTS to study for finals? There has to be a better way to assess our cumulative knowledge, or at least a more beneficial one. As soon as I take these tests... BAM! Information gone.

As such, I have thought about everything but my tests and the classes that they are in for the last few days and can't help but wonder why it is that every time I stop to think about... well... anything, I end up thinking about everything that I didn't know I wanted or needed to think about. It's a gross feeling, really. My head is so full of what ifs and whys and all I want to do is stop.

I think about menial things, like painting my nails... I NEVER paint my nails. And I think about huge things regarding my future and my hopes and dreams and decisions...

BUT, for the life of me, I can't bring myself to study Risk Mitigation, Distance Learning, E-Commerce, Verb Conjugations, Participles, Pronouns, Adverbs or anything that I really should focus on.

AND more than anything I can't stop thinking about the one person that I want more than anything to not think about... gah.

Imma study. Peace.

Internal Dilemmas

I have many. And for the few followers I have, I'm sure you are familiar with many of them...
But today, it has something more to do with, nothing... or something I thought was nothing.

I found out a bunch of enlightening information today, some that opened doors and some that closed windows --- Can I be more vague? Probably, but I suppose it's important to get it out, right?

At least I found out that this thing I was questioning isn't a thing and won't be a thing. It's a nice, relieving feeling. YAY.

But you, you have been there for so long... and you've just been there, not asking for anything in return and we have this... thing... this understanding that I have not appreciated until finding out something about you. Having learned this little piece of information I realized how unhappy I was being around the person that is making you happy, because it means that I am not that person. I want to be that person, more than I have known all year.

AND THEN, THE KICKER...

This thing that I THOUGHT I had let go of was opened up like a giant present that's not very exciting inside...  by the best friend - "you don't want to totally give up, do you?" WELL, dang it, I thought I did. But even though I was hurt so badly and worked through so much, I am hoping again, just when I thought that things could move in a different direction for me. AND just after I figured out the above information. CRAP.

But I think I know what I need to do with this information... let it ride, trust that things will go how they need to for me.

I may be strong and independent, but that doesn't mean it's not nice to have someone around to care and to care about.