Internal Dilemmas

I have many. And for the few followers I have, I'm sure you are familiar with many of them...
But today, it has something more to do with, nothing... or something I thought was nothing.

I found out a bunch of enlightening information today, some that opened doors and some that closed windows --- Can I be more vague? Probably, but I suppose it's important to get it out, right?

At least I found out that this thing I was questioning isn't a thing and won't be a thing. It's a nice, relieving feeling. YAY.

But you, you have been there for so long... and you've just been there, not asking for anything in return and we have this... thing... this understanding that I have not appreciated until finding out something about you. Having learned this little piece of information I realized how unhappy I was being around the person that is making you happy, because it means that I am not that person. I want to be that person, more than I have known all year.

AND THEN, THE KICKER...

This thing that I THOUGHT I had let go of was opened up like a giant present that's not very exciting inside...  by the best friend - "you don't want to totally give up, do you?" WELL, dang it, I thought I did. But even though I was hurt so badly and worked through so much, I am hoping again, just when I thought that things could move in a different direction for me. AND just after I figured out the above information. CRAP.

But I think I know what I need to do with this information... let it ride, trust that things will go how they need to for me.

I may be strong and independent, but that doesn't mean it's not nice to have someone around to care and to care about.